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Friday, January 6th, 2006
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| Subject: | start fresh |
| Time: | 6:58 pm. |
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the nights get dark quicker
when the days don't burn as bright.
when the dark clouds appear and fold into the rays of sunlight,
you know it's probably time for a change.
when it comes to chosing between love and not knowing how,
chose to not know how
and run far far away.
she'll wake up around noon,
check an empty message machine, then check it again.
empty.
tears won't make up for the life you lost now.
dry the tears from your insides.
start fresh.
her hearts still pumping but it's not blood running through her veins.
she stares at her chapped hands looking for a sign,
looking for a map,
of how she got here.
how her life ended up
(look around)
like this.
just like this.
a world filled with flawless imperfections.
buried in wisely crafted lies.
covered in beautiful orange flames that consume
smiles and laughter.
but she has a bottle of pills now
and a room where no one will find her in.
dry the tears from your insides.
start fresh.
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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
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| Subject: | how'd you get so pretty |
| Time: | 3:59 pm. |
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there's a way to keep us going
to make us strong and beautiful
it hasn't been discovered it
but i bet it's buried in the drugs
maybe it's the drugs that are tearing us apart
maybe it's the drugs that are keeping us together
the bruise on my arm hasn't healed yet
that cut on your lip still bleeds
but it doesn't stop us from sharing cocktails
and dancing all throughout the night
you're always with the power
with the strength
i'm always looking for attention
with a kiss or a slap
maybe it's the drugs that are tearing us apart
maybe it's the drugs that are keeping us together
is there a rehab for couples gone astray
to meet those who have gone through what we go through now
and hear their empowering stories of recovery?
even if there was
we would say we didn't need it
addictions are too powerful
we're happy
happy and in love
happy and in love and sick and demented and violent
and everything else a healthy relationship shouldn't be
but we're happy
happy and in love
and it's all we need to keep going
it's all we need
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Friday, October 7th, 2005
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| Subject: | In over your head |
| Time: | 5:35 pm. |
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he won't let you touch him
he says he's too cold
too cold
he says he just needs a little more
time to accept the warmth
just a little bit more time
but it's not true
his appetite for you grows by the minute
ready to devour your every move of compassion
he'll pick at you until you're
good and gone
and just the body of a woman who used to be loved
loved by a man who didn't know how
loved in a world that doesn't know the true meaning
so she'll settle with his brail touch and sour charm
she'll deal with the rough nights and the inconsistencies
and she'll promise this is the last night
but i never is
it's easier to say you'll get away
then to actaully get away
and the trap is set
he knows it
he planned it
your friends who all think he's no good, the all know it
but you don't
too blinded, too stupid to leave.
running away isn't always such a bad thing.
it's so tragic really.
this girl was born with no courage.
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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
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| Subject: | this is not your night |
| Time: | 11:29 pm. |
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It's already been a long day when he comes home and says,
"we need to talk."
You pray he doesn't mean about you.
You look around. There's no one else in the room.
The air turns stale and your lungs scratch your chest to remind you to breathe.
You still can't inhale.
The green in his eyes look so bright,
uninviting,
narrow.
And it hurts.
You both sit and the 'talk' begins.
Brittle voices spit out sharp words.
And it hurts.
The tears fall fast as they
cut flesh on the skin of your cheeks.
And it hurts.
His fingertips turn to sand paper
when he reluctantly slides them across your hand.
And it hurts
and it stings and it burns and it throbs
and kills.
All at once.
What happened to forever?
He was the rest of your life.
There were plans on the calender and everything.
Not anymore.
Not anymore.
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Saturday, August 20th, 2005
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The plane ride from Arizona left me feeling groggy and nauseous. I've always felt sick after long flights, but it's never been this bad.
Maybe it's because the destination was a bit unpleasant.
They say that you can always go home, but where can you go when it's home you fear the most.
I dragged my heavy body to baggage claim and waited about a decade for my undersized suitcase which was already way too big to hold all my posessions.
I don't have much.
Never really did.
The hotel wasn't far from the airport. A mile or two outside so I decided to walk. It was the most refreshing thing I've done in years. I checked in the hotel and got the plastic card key to my room and headed for the staircase. The contents in my suitcase violently shook from each step I yanked it over.
I walked in room number 202 and threw my tried body on the bed. Being back home awoke so many ill thoughts I tried to search for a comforting one.
I couldn't find one.
I did the only other thing that was left to do on my agenda and fell asleep.
I woke up the next afternoon and took a cold shower, then moved onto my hair, make-up and wardrobe routine. Before I left the room, I starred at the paper begging me to answer the question, "Did you enjoy your stay?" I grabbed the pen and wrote,
"Sometimes the nights seem colder when you fall asleep by yourself, sometimes that's all you really need.
Yes. My stay was fine."
He said he'd be here at 10am but I knew that really meant about a quarter to eleven at the earliest. I finished up my morning activites and was out in front of the hotel by 10:35.
It's now 10:42 and he's no where in sight but I guess it's still too early. He's so lucky I don't mind waiting.
I saw his car finally pull in the parking lot around five to 11. He gracefully stepped out of the car and began walking toward me, wildly waving his arms 'hello' in the air. And I didn't move. I didn't walk forward to greet him half way. I didn't wave back. I didn't return his warm welcome. I just stood there and watched the excitement dancing in his brown eyes. I tried my best to crack a smile at them. He ran up to me and kissed me, then held me in his arms and starred into my eyes.
I looked back at those soft brown eyes and thought:
I'm going to break your heart.
I wish there was a good way of telling you that.
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| Subject: | What it takes to build a wall |
| Time: | 10:18 pm. |
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She's the foolish
devilish type.
She'll grunt if you don't remember how much sugar she likes in her tea.
When you tell her shes's beautiful, she won't thank you,
but rather strut her stuff when she walks away.
She'll move in and make everything seem alright.
And when you're comfortable with an extra breathe in the apartment, she'll pack her bags.
She'll swear she loves you.
She'll swear she doesn't remember the night she told you that.
Her heart will tell her to keep building a wall.
Fall in love fast and fall out of love even quicker.
She gives her heart away every couple months or so
and gets it back a little more worn down every time.
Already this has been going on for years.
Soon she'll be nothing.
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| Subject: | stuck at last year's BBQ |
| Time: | 9:12 pm. |
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you want.
you want.
you want.
you need.
you need.
you need
I want you to shut up.
I need to get away.
These heart strings are tied to too many ends.
All thick and tangled.
Wasted and aimless.
Bored and unresolved.
There's no start to fixing this mess.
Direction can't take aim.
I can't find my way.
You can't find a purpose.
Are we all lost?
Just too stubborn
or too afraid to admit it?
I'm too stubborn.
You're too afraid.
We're both stupid.
Let's talk about our wants.
Let's talk about our needs.
I
am
not
happy
with you
or with me.
shut up.
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| Subject: | Tragedy |
| Time: | 11:28 am. |
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You cried Tragedy
but you were wrong.
So we decide
nothing
changes.
Every touch, every taste
every kiss,
means
nothing.
I stayed
silent
so I could
live up to
the standards
you placed
for
me.
I tried to
fix
you.
I tried to
fix us.
I didn't see you
try to speak.
Your hand would
never leave
my thigh
when we went out
with your
friends.
Your fingers
would run
across the small
of my back
while we watched
another
crappy movie
that you loved.
Is that why you loved me?
Another
nobody
for you to love.
I'm sorry I became someone.
I'm sorry you couldn't be as strong.
You cried Tragedy
but you were wrong
about me.
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Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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| Subject: | photo - i'm trying to be honest here |
| Time: | 7:07 pm. |
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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| Subject: | was this the personal you were asking for |
| Time: | 2:42 pm. |
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I resent that.
That crazy comment.
I don't apologize if I show it well.
East coast hearts can't be buried.
Miss world of opportunities.
How compassionate you are of life.
To love us,
to leave us all behind,
to insult us.
My eyes don't see as far as yours.
That horizon ends at a line.
That star lies just below blackness.
The sun - we all know that will die.
"I have wonderful news," you say.
"That's nice. Same old, same ol' here."
Your mind is beautiful.
If your vision were to fade, it could carry you through.
Still seeing life,
the world and all it's beauty,
while miraculously never caring
about us
or home.
Love hasn't taught me to forgive yet.
Love hasn't taught you to love yet.
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| Subject: | point: depression |
| Time: | 2:27 pm. |
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This is the point where your world comes crashing down.
This is where the silence ends
and the madness begins.
This is the point where the path turns to slush.
It folds and bends
and the madness begins.
You'll wonder,
how did you come this far?
The sadness had ended... you thought.
Did you fool yourself this whole time?
Were you only pretending to be happy?
Are you that good at deciet
you didn't know you were doing it to yourself?
Yes, yes... and yes.
You think.
This is the point where your world comes crashing down.
This is where the silence ends
and the madness begins.
This is the point where the path turns to slush.
It folds and bends
and the madness begins.
The teasing doesn't stop,
swaying back and forth through this mess you've made of yourself.
You'll wonder how you found power in this before.
Don't try to reflect.
The past is dead.
It was put to rest when melancholy's heart was remodeled with poison.
Don't revisit those times.
Your depression is now.
Your solution is later, or never,
not in before.
Does that help?
The clawing, does it help?
yes... and yes.
You believe.
Look at this face,
this beautiful face.
It cries.
It screams.
It shatters.
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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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| Subject: | when winter doesn't... |
| Time: | 11:37 pm. |
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Don't gloat.
I planned on you ruining my plans.
And just looked at what has been done.
It's disgusting.
It's crude.
It's a boy so perverse he's turned the world pale.
And this is what people wait for.
This is what people trapped in one season long for.
The beauty of this resistant shade.
The lightness of the flakes as it gets stuck in his eyelashes.
This is the ground's, the branches, the rooftop's coat.
They can all share.
I can't.
I don't appreciate your interference.
How you can make my world and his look exactly the same
even though we're miles apart.
This blanket of misfortune.
This life of bitter emotions.
And this is what we call compromise.
This is what we call love.
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
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| Subject: | gossip girl |
| Time: | 10:13 pm. |
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obsessive
sick
twisted
gossip girl
you're one crazy bitch
and i love you for it
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Monday, February 7th, 2005
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| Subject: | photo - black windows |
| Time: | 2:57 pm. |
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| Subject: | note to self |
| Time: | 2:37 pm. |
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note to self:
don't ever fall for the friends line without peeling back their skins
to see if there's a hidden face.
most likely there is.
they won't admit it
but living a double life needs a second face.
otherwise, who could love them.
one is never enough.
one is never enough.
say the, "it's no me, it's you" phrase again.
say i made all the wrong moves.
say my hand was too close to his again.
say that one night i drank a little too much.
say i'm different from you again.
my tears are a sucker for your words.
but tonight i'll lay by myself
and not think about you
or waste any capital letters on you.
i will close my eyes and find beauty in this darkness
just to shut out yours.
i will live on and not love you
-either of you.
i will hide these scars with concealer and mascara.
you are not my friend.
maybe it's just me,
maybe i'm just to damn drunk,
but you'll never be a friend.
living with two faces will just kill you quicker.
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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| Subject: | Shame is not a shameful thing |
| Time: | 1:14 am. |
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This youthful time
-this childish time-
so tough and beautiful on the outside
and so fragile
everywhere else.
Ignore the everywhere else.
Oh- you brave girl
how could you not see?
His wallet is thick
and he's filled with disgust.
You disgust him.
Couldn't you tell from the sickness in his eyes?
Continue on with the little
energy you have left.
This bravery won't capture you
a career.
How do you stay so young in this hotel room?
How do you stay so young?
I'm not ashamed,
but I'm not proud either.
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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
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| Subject: | let it snow, let it snow, let it snow |
| Time: | 3:41 pm. |
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"Just a little ride,"
I said.
Just a little ride.
With one slight glance out the window
I have to say it again.
"Just a little ride."
Solitary brings on a strong sense of anxiety.
Try to keep clam hands
clam eyes
clam toes
clam breaths.
It doesn't work.
Try to keep the car going straight.
That doesn't work either
even though you've been doing it for years.
The overwhelming pale scene
dirtying all chances
of arrival to the right destination.
It will lead you elsewhere...
but you don't want to be there.
It all ends quickly when
the tree beneath that shallow hill
begins to bleed.
There's so much pain
in a white collision.
The deep blue paint and the rust of the gaurdrail mesh
and I have no choice but to lay in it.
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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| Subject: | I'm trying to be honest here |
| Time: | 12:40 pm. |
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I will say good bye to an old lover
-actually a collection of old lovers-
to make room for new ones.
I will get another tattoo that my mother will hate.
I will smoke pot and have the urge to pierce something
on my face.
I will wear more black eye make-up in an attempt
to make myself look older.
I will remember a high school enemy
and not feel bad about the times
I called her a bitch.
I will fuck without a condom just because
it feels better.
I will cry in the shower so no one else can hear
my sobs.
I will call an ex just because I know it will start a fight
with his new girlfriend.
I will lie and say I love you.
I will lie and say I hate you.
I will be brave and try a new drug that
makes me forget my own name.
I will not let you make me feel bad for who I am.
I will not apologies for my mistakes
or
what they did to you.
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Friday, January 7th, 2005
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| Subject: | photo - master ricochet |
| Time: | 10:10 pm. |
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| Subject: | Don't call me Baby |
| Time: | 9:47 pm. |
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I am a poet.
I seek tragedy in everything.
The gentle embrace of lovers.
The forced grin of a boy to his sister.
The overjoyed laughter of best friends.
Best friends that are no more.
Best friends that can be measured by the time span
of a couple years.
Best friends that decay at a rate faster
than mulch.
I will not hide behind our defeat
and I will not contain my anger when I hear you name
You have ruined my past with your selfishness.
Fuck the times you tried to dig out your veins
with your nails
And the times you tried to make it my chore
to care.
Fuck the times when you said you would be there
and then showed up... but showed no concern.
Fuck the times when you praised my name
and then savaged it behind my back.
I will not forget your hate for me
and I will not let mine die.
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